Bummed

This whole special needs thing is a real roller coaster. The highest of highs definitely, but also the dips (and I will not say the lowest of lows because honestly, there have not been any super low points). I look at my four month old baby rolling over front to back and now back to front, and I see where she is right on track developmentally and think "how amazing! she has these short arms, this lack of muscle, and yet is right on track". Most of the time I do not even think of her differences because they play such a minor role in her life. It is easy to look at how she is doing and feel elated.

But then there are the other random things. Like today, I saw a picture online - a common phrase - "who has two thumbs and..." and it jolts you to think about your baby, who doesn't have two thumbs. Bummer.

It is not the saying that gets me - that is a silly saying anyway - or the fact that she does not have thumbs - she has 5 fingers she can use. It is more just that punch in the gut reminding me of the fact that she is different and she will have some tough times.

Thanks for listening!
~Erin

On a lighter note

This conversation between the munchkin and the princess happened last night:

Princess does you likes lotion?
(she says no)
He don't wants some

Her misunderstanding of pronouns is something I have been working on, but it is a habit she is struggling to break. I really don't care, I absolutely adore her horrible grammar.

Thanks for listening!
~Erin

Nigthmares

I had a nightmare last night. I am always a little afraid of the dark, shadows in the closet, the shower curtain in the dark bathroom - but I can attribute all of that to watching Criminal Minds right before bed time! Last night was different, it was a real nightmare, and woke me up panting, shaking, and with a racing heart.

In my dream, I dropped my older kids off a mall daycare center sponsored by Nintendo Wii and then left them even though I had a bad feeling about the place. I was in an unfamiliar city - I think NYC - and got lost trying to get back to them. While running around, I got pulled into a work meeting and sat there for a while before remembering I was trying to get the kids, so I ran out and got lost some more trying to find this damn mall. I eventually found the mall and this guy stopped me to tell me my kids had started crying immediately after I left and how could I do that? I asked him to hold on while I went to get the kids, but I was too late. The place was dark. I could not find the stairs. So I was jumping around the mall screaming their names. And then I woke up and could not close my eyes for what seemed like ages.

I can rationalize the dream to understand where these scenarios came from - I worry about being a workaholic, I frequently find myself running late to the last minute, some lady said something to me about parenting at church - but the thing that is bothering me is the nightmare itself. No longer am I afraid of silly childish fears like the boogeyman under my bed or monsters in the closet. Now, my nightmares are the things of reality - am I protecting my kids? Do I make the right decisions? Can I keep them safe? I will try. I will do everything I can to be the best mother and caregiver they deserve. But, even the best parents lose children. Even the most vigilant mothers do not see the signs of abuse on their daughters. The most loving parents forget about the change of schedule and accidentally leave their child in the car. And that - that fear of what I do not know or what I can not stop - is what hits me like a lightening bolt.

The nightmare is over. My girls were safe and snuggly and all smiles this morning. They are happily off at daycare playing with friends and adoring their teachers. But me? I am here moving through the day, trying to shake off the residual fear. I want to live in each day, cherishing every moment. But sometimes, I want to fast forward 20 years and see my kids are all still here, still healthy, still happy.

Thanks for listening!
~Erin