It is okay to cry

My OB said this last week. I was there mid week and we had our fetal echo coming up that Friday and toward the end of the appointment she said "how are you doing?" to which I quickly responded, "fine. as well as can be expected!" or something like that because that is what I do. I do not really unload emotion on people I am not close to if I can avoid doing so. But then she asked me again and I teared up, and then she gave me a kleenex, and then my emotions were flowing and I could not swallow the lump so I just sat there with tears.

So, she says "it is okay to cry when you find out your baby is not going to be perfect". Really? I mean, of course, it is okay to do that. But, I just felt like going off on her, I mean, she really thought I was just crying because of that? It was so trite and simplistic and seemed kind of rude. And a week later, I am still kind of ticked off at what she said or how I felt. I simply nodded because I could not speak through my tears and I really did not care to talk to her.

But, for the record, I was crying about bigger things than having an "imperfectly formed baby"! Like the fact that in four weeks we went from a perfectly normal pregnancy to a pregnancy filled with worry and wonder. We had four ultrasounds, an abdominal MRI, two specialist visits with the perinatologist, and a 6-hour appointment at Children's National Medical Center in those four weeks. We came away with some answers and some questions. We have to plan for the cost of specialists, some of which we know we will need and others we cannot predict. We have to figure out logistically how we are going to switch from a local daycare to driving out to my parents house every day (which is only 25 miles away) so the baby can get in home services and I can keep my job, while also factoring in the other two kids - one will be starting kindergarten and the other starting preschool. We have a lot of things to figure out, a lot of things to process. And in the four weeks where we had all of these appointments I did not have time to process. I have a full time job, as does my husband, we have young kids, and I was filling all my "downtime" with making or going to doctor appointments. The last four weeks have been like riding a high-speed train. I just write stuff down so I can come back and process it later, struggling to make dinner and put the kids to bed, taking my parents up on every offer to watch the kids, and just moving through life. And that is why I was crying. Not for some small part of this, but for all of it as a whole.

Thankfully, the last ultrasound showed - again - no issues other than her arms. This means we have to go to the perinatologist monthly and the OB monthly, and then more frequently as we get later into the pregnancy. But all the specialist appointments and "big" ultrasounds are behind us. We can just sit back and move through the rest of the pregnancy somewhat normally. For the first time in four weeks I actually did the laundry, I started picking things up, and the kitchen has stayed relatively clean this week. Thankfully, my mind is leveling out, and that is awesome. It feels amazing to be off that train!!!

Thanks for listening!
~Erin