To be fair

After yesterday's post about the princess, I decided to capture somethings about the munchkin too!

She is a "big girl" except she is also a "little girl". It is something she struggles with - this desire to be big, but also recognizing she is little, and then being afraid to do some things.

She climbed into bed last night, threw out her arm, and said "Nobody kiss me". We did anyway.

She just started climbing into her booster chair at the kitchen table. The princess has been doing this for so long, I do not remember when she started. But, the munchkin is tiny and it was harder for her. After getting stuck halfway up the chair twice, she stopped trying. And then out of nowhere, tried again, and now she is like a monkey climbing up into her chair at the table!

Every day she has something new she will teach or do for or show or give to the new baby. I have no idea how things will change when the new baby arrives, but right now, the munchkin could not be more excited to be the big sister. Every day she says "you're having a baby in your tummy?!" - it comes out like a question, but she knows the answer and just wants confirmation or excitement or something!

The kids heard the song Dynamite - Taio Cruz at school and love to sing it, but the munchkin thinks the words ("sayin ayo") are "chicken migle" (or something like that) and she has this dance where she sticks her hands straight out behind her back and runs around the house yelling "chicken migle".

She calls jammies "jammits" and hoods "hooks" and probably a million other things I keep forgetting to catch on camera.

Her absolute favorite thing is to make people laugh. Luckily, all it takes is one of her little mischievous smiles to get everyone cracking up!

Thanks for listening!
~Erin

"hay-ch"

The princess amazes me so many ways. At four, she seems so mature for her age and it is just mind-blowing to watch and experience. Because I do not want to forget, here are some things she has done lately...

- In church on Sunday, the munchkin's barrette was loose, so the princess took it out, smoothed her hair, and put it back in (still crooked and loose). It hit me so hard that I will probably see the same scenario - albeit with different hair things and a more mature style - in 10 years.

- When she does not feel like completing her sentence or thought, she lets it trail off saying something like "and all that stuff", but does it with this hand in the air motion like she is waving off the rest of the sentence. It is just like I do when I am trying to explain something. and so freaking cute on a 4 year old!

- She loves to please. She is so sweet and nice and loving! To us, to her friends, to her sister! I worry this will bite her in the ass later, but am hopeful that her niceness will just make her popular instead of a follower.

- She loves to tell jokes, but cannot remember any so she makes them up and they always start off right "two muffins were in an oven..." or "a mushroom walks into a bar..." but then she loses the joke and it trails off and she makes it silly. The perfect mix of her maturity and her childishness.

- Lastly, she learned about the letter "h" at school this month. This week they are reviewing the month's letters and "h" has come up again. The second teacher in the classroom is British and has an accent, so almost every day when we discuss what she learned at school, the princess tells us how Mrs. J say "hay-ch". She just cannot stop pointing this out!

Both my girls are great. Where the princess is sweet and calm and mature, the munchkin is silly and playful and so freaking cute, she is hard to get mad at for anything! Just looking at her silly face makes everyone burst out laughing, and that always gets her laughing, and then we all end up out of breath and in tears from laughter!

Thanks for listening!
~Erin

Renaissance Fair

We went to the Renaissance Fair in Maryland yesterday. I went once as a kid with my friend's family and had a great time. I remember seeing all sorts of fun renaissance things and getting a really cool toy. Which, honestly, could not have been that expensive because I could afford to buy it with whatever spending money I had at the time! So, yesterday, we took the kids. Every year I see the commercials and think I want to go, so it was a big deal that we finally made time to go this year. Plus, I really try not to frivolously spend money (this is why we have not gone to Sesame Place, I just could not justify the expense for going when my kids were so young).

Well, I am PISSED. Not only was the Renaissance Fair NOT fun, it was a total RIP-OFF!!! You pay $19/adult (kids under 6 are free, yay!) to get in to the fair, which I was fine with paying. Until we walked in and realized you have to pay additional for every single thing there. Face Painting - $7. Thanks, but we get that for free on Chick-Fil-A kids nights. Ride a slide? $1/person. Oh, and kids that are below the height line need an adult to ride with them and no, it is not $1/ride, it is $1/person. And the kids play area was a tiny playset that was so overcrowded with all of the kids at the fair, I refused to let my kids go in for fear they would get lost or trampled. The only redeeming part was the free 30-second pony ride. The fair had some shows - a juggler and a music group - which you can sit and watch for free. But, they only hold kids attention for a minute. The jousting competition was cool and free. Unfortunately, being the ONLY cool and free thing, it was packed, and we had to stand in the back with the kids on our shoulders so they could see and tell us adults what was going on with the horses.

So, if you were considering going, I would say, stay away! There are a lot of cooler things to do in the area.
Also, if you went as a kid and enjoyed it, definitely stay away or else you will risk tainting that wonderful memory. Blast!

Thanks for listening!
~Erin

How are you doing?

Such a simple question. People ask all the time and truly mean it, but how often do you give a truthful response? A co-worker of mine was telling me about a movie he watched a few months ago called "Dakota Skye", which is about a girl who is born with the ability to detect lies. I have not seen the movie yet, but it sounds like a fascinating movie. The truth is, people lie all the time. And not always in a bad way. If you come home from a long, blah day and your spouse asks "how was your day?" you may not feel like unloading or talking about it, so you just say "fine". But if she/he could read your mind, they would see it was anything but fine. I planned on renting the movie at some point and still do.

Lately, this has really struck me quite a few times as I have faced this question awkwardly. A friend who I rarely see and really only know through another friend is pregnant and having a baby in November. She sent me a random text about a sale and then asked how we were doing. I said fine. But then she asked if we had any more ultrasounds coming up because she did not and was bummed because she really wants to see the baby again! I thought to myself, yeah, I know how you feel, but this time, I need more ultrasounds and it would be great if that was not the case! So, I told her, over text message, that yeah we had more ultrasounds coming, in fact we need them monthly and then went on to summarize our situation. Honestly, it was not that weird for me. I am not feeling bummed out about our situation because we have had so many positive things come out of this - support from family and friends, a new view of a lot of things, and a baby who is healthy despite her deformity. But, I felt bad after sending the texts. Who wants to be unloaded on like that? So the next day when a friend I have only seen a few times in the past few years asked if the baby was healthy, I just said "yes". It was a total lie, but I did not feel like talking about anything because it was gchat and I was just checking my email! Was it wrong to lie? I guess I would rather lie than be cryptic and say "no, but I cannot talk now because I have work to do".

Today, I was really struck by this by a comment I saw on facebook. A mutual friend made a comment on a post of another mutual friend asking how she was doing. The truth is she is probably having the worst month ever, having gotten horribly bad news on the same day as our sonogram and is facing (what feels like) a long awaited appointment at the end of this week. She is a private person and it is a private family matter, so she will probably either ignore the comment or lie and say fine. But, probably, when she logs in and reads that she will be struck hard by that question.

Such a simple question, and one I will continue to ask. But, still, one that holds a lot of weight and frequently generates an answer far from the truth.

Thanks for listening!
~Erin

It is okay to cry

My OB said this last week. I was there mid week and we had our fetal echo coming up that Friday and toward the end of the appointment she said "how are you doing?" to which I quickly responded, "fine. as well as can be expected!" or something like that because that is what I do. I do not really unload emotion on people I am not close to if I can avoid doing so. But then she asked me again and I teared up, and then she gave me a kleenex, and then my emotions were flowing and I could not swallow the lump so I just sat there with tears.

So, she says "it is okay to cry when you find out your baby is not going to be perfect". Really? I mean, of course, it is okay to do that. But, I just felt like going off on her, I mean, she really thought I was just crying because of that? It was so trite and simplistic and seemed kind of rude. And a week later, I am still kind of ticked off at what she said or how I felt. I simply nodded because I could not speak through my tears and I really did not care to talk to her.

But, for the record, I was crying about bigger things than having an "imperfectly formed baby"! Like the fact that in four weeks we went from a perfectly normal pregnancy to a pregnancy filled with worry and wonder. We had four ultrasounds, an abdominal MRI, two specialist visits with the perinatologist, and a 6-hour appointment at Children's National Medical Center in those four weeks. We came away with some answers and some questions. We have to plan for the cost of specialists, some of which we know we will need and others we cannot predict. We have to figure out logistically how we are going to switch from a local daycare to driving out to my parents house every day (which is only 25 miles away) so the baby can get in home services and I can keep my job, while also factoring in the other two kids - one will be starting kindergarten and the other starting preschool. We have a lot of things to figure out, a lot of things to process. And in the four weeks where we had all of these appointments I did not have time to process. I have a full time job, as does my husband, we have young kids, and I was filling all my "downtime" with making or going to doctor appointments. The last four weeks have been like riding a high-speed train. I just write stuff down so I can come back and process it later, struggling to make dinner and put the kids to bed, taking my parents up on every offer to watch the kids, and just moving through life. And that is why I was crying. Not for some small part of this, but for all of it as a whole.

Thankfully, the last ultrasound showed - again - no issues other than her arms. This means we have to go to the perinatologist monthly and the OB monthly, and then more frequently as we get later into the pregnancy. But all the specialist appointments and "big" ultrasounds are behind us. We can just sit back and move through the rest of the pregnancy somewhat normally. For the first time in four weeks I actually did the laundry, I started picking things up, and the kitchen has stayed relatively clean this week. Thankfully, my mind is leveling out, and that is awesome. It feels amazing to be off that train!!!

Thanks for listening!
~Erin

Mean Words

Last night my husband worked late, so I took the kids to Chick-Fil-A, where we met up with friends (mine and theirs!) and played and talked and it was wonderful. Then I decided to bring my husband a milkshake because I am such a nice wife, and even caved and bought the kids a milkshake to share! My kids drink stuff in the car all the time so I was not too concerned. We get to the car and I give the princess the millkshake to hold while I buckle her bottom buckle on the carseat, and she holds the milkshake up and to the side, where it spills onto the sweater next to her. So that ticked me off and I took it away while finishing buckling everyone in to the car. Then I gave the milkshake to the munchkin first because I was still ticked off at the princess for spilling.

No sooner did I get in my seat and start to buckle my seatbelt, when panicked voices started shouting about the milkshake being dropped. Upon opening the door, I see the milkshake completely upside down, pouring out strawberry, whipped cream deliciousness all over the seat and the floor (literally half a small milkshake out of the container). AGH! I started cleaning it up, yelling about how it was gone and they lost the milkshake, blah, blah. And then the princess says "I'm thirsty. Can I have the rest? I'm thirsty, I'm thirsty, I'm thirsty". And so naturally, I did what any sane person 5 year old would do. I yelled "shut up! just shut up and stop talking to me while I clean this up". Yeah, that happened.

No one talked. They cried until I told them to zip it and then I cranked up the radio, said we were having quiet time, and deep breathed my heart rate down. No one talked until some a-hole on a cell phone almost ran me off the road and I yelled at him too. And then a few minutes later, the princess asked if she could talk. And she pointed out that I called the other driver's phone "stupid". And that is one of our mean words. And I had to apologize for saying "stupid" and for telling her to "shut up" and for getting so upset about the milkshake. And I thought I did a pretty good job of apologizing and explaining why I was so upset.

And then, she said "I'm thirsty. Can we get another milkshake?" And, my head exploded. We spent the rest of the ride home listening to the radio.

Thanks for listening!
~Erin

Specialists

The day after our 20-week sonogram, our OB received the radiologist's report and called me to discuss. She recommended a perinatologist and the perinatologist's office quickly put us on the schedule. Our appointment was about 12 days after the first sonogram so the baby had a couple weeks to develop some more, which was good because we felt better knowing she would grow a little more and hopefully give the perinatologist's office a better look at her arms. But, that also meant 12 days of waiting and wondering. The radiologist's report said "consider radial ray, Holt Oram, or Trisomy 18". We did a little research on these, but tried to stay off the internet - no need to Dr. Google ourselves into a frenzy! Just seeing Trisomy 18 written down was frightening. But, then based on the results of the sonogram it seemed she did not have any of the other symptoms of any of these syndromes. Her face, her brain, her heart, her kidneys, her nose, her lips, everything else was fine. But then again, that was one sonogram. So who knew?

A friend of mine says we all change in one big way when we have a baby. We become more paranoid about something that previously did not bother us, or change the way we deal with certain situations. Mine is definitely negative thinking. I always go for the worst in any situation. If my husband and I meet at a place and one of us takes the kids home, I always find myself thinking the entire ride that the car with the kids and one spouse will crash, leaving the remaining spouse with nothing. When the kids want to go to the pool, I am hyper aware they could drown and think about what I would do and how I would react. It is not an obsessive thing where I hold my breath and stress out, but rather, just my natural reaction to figure out what the worst thing that could happen is. This situation is no different. By the time the 12 days were up, I had imagined almost every horrible scenario down to the baby's funeral.

The perinatologist did another complete sonogram, took all new measurements, and then stated he disagreed with everything on the radiologist's report and believes our daughter has isolated phocomelia. Phocomelia is a catch-all term for limb deformity. And isolated is in reference to the fact that it only appears to affect her arms and does not appear to be associated with any other syndrome. This was great to hear! Two sonograms showing the same thing - a problem with her arms, yes, but no issues with her brain, her heart, her kidneys, or her face (which would likely be indicative of a more serious syndrome like Trisomy 18). We walked out feeling much better about everything. Two appointments show the best case scenario!!!

Just to be safe, we have to see a genetics doctor at Children's Hospital and have a fetal echocardiogram to check her heart.Thankfully we live near the nation's captial and can go to such a fantastic plan for testing without having to worry about long-distance travel.

Thanks for listening!
~Erin