Sadness

I went to the OB yesterday.  My first appointment was two weeks ago, and oddly enough as I was leaving my urine sample, I noticed blood.  It was the first time, and I had a terrible (lost my voice) cold.  The doctor predicted my coughing riled up my implantation bleed and it decided to show, which happens to a lot of people, but had never happened to me before.  But, she sent me for an ultrasound to be sure!  I saw the baby - just a head and glob of body - and the heartbeat.  There were no special instructions, just to call back if things changed/got worse.

My bleeding continued.  Sunday, it was heavier that ever, and yesterday it was still going strong, so I called for an appointment.  The nurse practitioner was very nice and unassuming.  She checked for the heartbeat using the doppler, but could not find one.  She did an internal and saw the bleeding, but called it moderate.  Then she went to get a different doppler because they do not always cooperate.  Still no heartbeat.  I asked about my urine sample, but it was too full of blood to tell them anything.  They sent us for another ultrasound.

The tech seemingly did not even try for a picture of the baby, which was odd because the last tech got a couple pictures for us and a heartbeat.  Then, she had my empty my bladder so the radiologist could do the internal ultrasound, which was also weird considering I was 11 weeks.  But, then we saw the baby.  Or not the baby, but what was once a baby.  She just held the probe in place for what felt like forever until finally saying "at this point, I should have seen the heartbeat".  She ran a scan, but got nothing.  She measured the baby and got 8 weeks 4 days.  The last ultrasound measured the baby at 8 weeks 1 day. 

If my appointment was just a few days later, I never would have seen the heartbeat.  Is that better?  Or worse?  I would not have told people outside of family and close friends, would not have mentioned it on facebook, something I did because I had seen the heartbeat.  I went to sleep last night wondering what happened to the head - I saw it so clearly two weeks ago, and this time there was just a glob of tissue.  My husband said they probably got a bad angle, but I doubt that.  And it doesn't matter because the baby is gone and there is just tissue left in place.  But, I can't stop thinking about the baby with the heartbeat I saw two weeks ago.  And feeling sad.  For what was, what could have been...